How To Win Someone's Heart


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winning someone's heart

Ever tried to penetrate the tough guy facade, or been turned away by the ‘I don’t need you or anyone else’ face? Have you tried to reason with a rebellious teenager? There is a secret to winning someone’s heart.

It does not matter if the situation is a boy trying to win the heart of a girl, a parent trying to get through to his rebellious teenager, an employer trying to help a disgruntled employee, or a wife trying to break down emotional barriers in her husband, the answer to winning someone’s heart is the same: understanding.

No one can win another’s heart without first understanding what it took to get that person to the place they are. When you can walk emotionally and even, to some degree, mentally in the footsteps of another person, your understanding of who they are, how they got where they are, and why they do what they do will increase dramatically. This allows you the chance to win someone’s heart.

Understanding accomplishes the following:


When you know why someone did what they did, you are often less inclined to get angry. If you knew that the person that stole your wallet was a 12 year old kid that had not eaten a thing in two weeks, you would probably not get very angry. And if you knew that the person that cut you off while driving was desperate to get his pregnant wife to the hospital, you probably would not get angry.

If you knew the circumstances that brought a person to do what they did, you might not get so upset. However, that does not excuse what they did; it just means you will be in more control over yourself, giving yourself greater opportunity to win that person’s heart.


There is a story in the Bible about Jesus in Luke 17. A widow woman had just lost her only child and was on the way to bury him. Jesus knew within Himself that she was all alone. Understanding her situation brought greater compassion. Jesus resurrected her son.

During my years of counseling as a pastor, I have discovered that well over 80% of marriages that struggle with sexual perversion of some sort was the result of sexual perversion being committed against them as children. The path they were set upon was one that was forced on them. It in no way excuses their deplorable, despicable behavior, but it does allow me to have more compassion toward them and perhaps to help permanently turn them from their sin. This compassion allows me the ability and opportunity to help them. Enough, perhaps, to change them from their previous path.


When someone loses their spouse, the person who is able to help the most is usually someone who has also lost their spouse. When someone is abandoned or divorced, those that are most helpful are often those who have gone through what they have. Again, the key is understanding. To understand someone allows you the opportunity to help them and to reach them.

The more you try to understand someone, the more opportunity you will have to help them.


Here are some tips on trying to win the heart of particular people who might be in your life.

  1. Your spouse: Try to walk in their shoes. Know what they deal with each day. Understand their history and try to see the path that created the person you married. Did he grow up insecure? Was she molested as a child? Did everything come easy for him so he is not used to failure? Was she an only child or came from a broken home? Since all of these things make up the person you married, understanding your spouse will go a long way in allowing you to win their heart.
  2. Your child: The best way to win your children’s heart is to spend time with them. Get to know them. What do they go through at school? What happens with their friends? Do you know if they are teased, bullied, shamed, a star athlete, lonely, have plenty of friends, if they like or dislike sports, or what? I will frequently ask my children very specific questions about their life to better understand them. Since the better I understand them, the better I am able to be the right father and the easier it is to win their hearts.
  3. A friend. Friends need someone they can turn to and relate to. We choose our friends because we have things in common. But sometimes, friends go astray and it is important to be able to win their heart. This may require you to be there for them when they are hurt, to understand what it they are trying to accomplish with their behavior, to recognize their insecurities and failings and love them anyway. It can be a tough line to walk, but that is what friends are for.

Finally, instead of just passing judgment on a person, why do you not attempt to understand them better? Understanding is the key to winning someone’s heart!

Christian author and relationship expert, specializing in adding The Divine Ingredient to every aspect of life to make life all the more enjoyable.

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