Many marriages suffer from what I like to call Truth Attrition from telling the truth. It is a marital environment of fear and hesitancy born out of experience of what happens when a negative truth is told. As much as we say we want the truth, in truth, we often don’t react very well to negative truth. How do you react when your spouse admits to doing something wrong or doing something you disapprove of? Do you get angry, bitter, resentful, or judgemental? If so, your lack of grace, mercy, and understanding means your spouse will be mentally and emotionally affected by Truth Attrition.
Without realizing it, you’ve created an atmosphere where telling the truth is deemed much worse than lying or keeping it secret. If you really want your spouse to tell you the truth, then you need to be ready to hear it in a manner that is profitable to your marriage. The truth can hurt. It can create insecurity, denial, and distance–particularly if you aren’t prepared properly to hear the truth.
Ladies, many of your husbands are so scared of telling the truth because they know that if they do, they’ll be in the doghouse. They fear your reaction and your resentment. Truth Attrition has taken its toll on him, and so he figures it is best not to tell you. He may not lie–or he may–but he may just keep it a secret, figuring if you don’t know, then there will be more peace in the home.
Men, many of your wives are scared to death of your anger. They hide the truth from you because they can’t handle your explosions, your rage, or your disdain. They fear telling the truth about how they feel because they fear being dismissed as ridiculous, pounced on as selfish, or ignored as unimportant. They’re battered by your relentless logic, your overwhelming superiority, or your belligerent anger.
If you are married, it is essential that you find within yourself the ability to hear the truth that is spoken. You don’t have to agree. You don’t have to concur. And you don’t have to like it. You just have to be willing to hear it out. Until you can rationally sit still and listen to what the other has to say, your marriage will not grow or mature.
Hearing the Truth
The first thing you need to do is be quiet and allow your spouse to say everything they intend or need to say. What you hear may cause you pain. You may hear of a fault, a sin, or a fear about you, but the fact your spouse is telling the truth to you is significant in itself. Focus on that. Realize that as painful as it may be to hear what your spouse is telling you, the fact that they are willing to talk to you at all should be a victory.
Take a non-threatening posture. Don’t cross your arms and glare. Never place your hands on your hips. Don’t clench your fists. Never tap your foot in impatience. Don’t sigh, snort, roll your eyes, yawn, or look bored. Never blow your stack–and don’t interrupt! Instead, sit down somewhere, relax, nod your head a lot, look intent and attentive, and focus–in other words, look your spouse in the eye while he or she is talking.
Accepting the Truth
The next thing you must do is accept what you hear. As painful as it may be, you can’t proceed in denial or anger. So take a deep breath and realize that the situation exists whether you know about it or not, so it is always better to know about it. One of the best ways to accept the truth is to ask lots of calm questions.
When your spouse finally winds down, instead of launching into a lecture, get clarification. Clarification will help you accept what you’ve heard. Questions will also allow you to sort it through in your own mind and heart, put it into perspective, and set you in the frame of mind to move forward and solve the problem.
Your questions should seek for clarification and understanding, not to accuse or amass evidence you can use against your spouse. Understanding is vital in this situation.
Dealing with the Truth
Once you accept the truth, you are now in a position to deal with it. Your first thought here should be how you can help–the operative word being “help.” You and your spouse are a team. You should deal with problems together. It doesn’t matter if the “truth” you heard is something your spouse did wrong or their perspective on something they think you did wrong. The goal now is healing and how you can work together as a team.
You may need to see a counselor. You may need to pray together more. Or you may need to come up with a plan together. You may need to search the Scriptures together. Whatever it is, you deal with it as a team. You deal with it together. Start offering solutions, not accusations. Give options, not recriminations. Offer hope, not judgment.
If you create an atmosphere where the truth can be told, then your marriage won’t suffer from Truth Attrition. Jesus, while talking to potential disciples, said this, “And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free” (John 8:32). Freedom in your marriage is when your spouse can tell you the truth without fear.
